Mommyhood: Three Years Later

Time flies, Masha Allah. Alexa will turn three next week and here I am, amazed that we survived the past three years *phew*. Alexa is still alive and kicking, Alhamdulillah, and she has the makings of a healthy toddler and she also has transitioned well from babyhood to toddlerhood. And no, that doesn't mean that she's a docile, well-behaved toddler, but she's behaving just like a toddler would, loud, opinionated (when she wants to),stubborn, cheeky and I wouldn't want it any other way.

If I have time, one of the things I would do is to bring Alexa to the playground. It's one of the things that I know she looks forward to, she would say, "Alexa mok pegi playgeraon." Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of time (as I am sure most mothers don't have the same luxury as well) but we do what we can, don't we?

Positive signs of toddlerhood (in my opinion) includes: laughing when she's happy, fascination at the weirdest stuff (current fascination includes aeroplanes, escalators *yikes*, and talcum powder), crying out loud when she doesn't get her way (we have a 50-50 rule against this, we let her cry sometimes and we give in sometimes), singing (usually when she's enjoying the moment), stubborn when she wants something and sometimes there's drama (she even knows how to sulk *gosh*). She sometimes wants to pick her own clothes (I've told her, she's not ready for fashion) and even objects to the clothes that we pick for her (when I was smaller, my parents made me wear bright yellow pants with a bright red shirt and never did I object to that). She gets frustrated at me (I mean, seriously?) and I know that because she would have this exaggerated sigh and say, "Mommy tok eh."

I love reading to her and to be honest, I don't read out word by word, usually I just explain the illustrations and on other days, I let her explain them to me =).

Being me, I actually have a mental checklist of things that I want Alexa to learn, and I want to make sure that she has these capabilities before she starts kindergarten. Here are three of them:

Alexa at Benbino's, Publika. Love their set up and I know Alexa enjoyed herself as well. Would have enjoyed the place better if they had bigger portions (most are kid-sized portions so you kinda have to order more food). 

1. Be Happy in Her Own Skin
I think we've achieved that so far. We try (very hard) to give constructive criticism when we can. It's not easy I must say (coming from an Asian family where criticism is a culture), and so far we haven't been really successful with this (I'd say my success rate is perhaps 20 - 30%) but I do try to remind myself to say things in a positive manner instead of a negative manner. But Alhamdulillah so far she is happy and hopefully she'll learn to be confident next.
How do I know that she's happy? Firstly, she's very excited to share what she's up to. We sent her to kindergarten for a few days, she cried for the first couple of days but by the third day she came home all happy, bubbly and all excited. There were lots of singing involved on the drive home. She also has her solo playtime and she likes to play make believe with her lego toys. She gives them her milk bottle (I told her the milk bottle is too big for the lego man) and puts them to sleep (arranging them properly on the bed and putting the blanket over them and petting them to sleep).

Alexa having fun at one of the conferences which we had attended. Alhamdulillah the conference organisers do provide toys for the kids to play with which is absolutely great.

2. To Share What She Has with Others
This is a work in progress but I want her to have the ability to be kind and not be afraid to share. So far this is working only half of the time but Alhamdulillah, at least she's trying.
This is how I do it:
Whenever we go for conferences or events, I would buy/ pack a packet of crayons or color pencils and a drawing block for her. Besides that (if I remember to), I would also buy a set of stickers and a packet of balloons. Kids just love stickers and balloons. Then we would also have one or two books handy (because we hope to foster her interest in reading as well). During conferences, in the mother's room, I would have her color/ play with balloons/ stickers or read her book. Other kids would come (kids are naturally curious) and I would encourage Alexa to share her stuff with them. The first couple of times it was difficult for her to share but after the third time or so, she's more comfortable with sharing. I do notice most parents do bring toys for their kids but they are very afraid of sharing (to the point that they would tell the kids to give back Alexa's crayons/ stickers/ balloons etc).

This is us at Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan's session at Masjid Wilayah. 

Personally I feel that that is not the right approach to sharing. The best way would have been to teach the kids to ask for permission in using other people's stuff (it's the perfect occasion for it) and let them play with each other. And once the playtime is over, also encourage the kids to return whatever items that's not theirs. I feel that the parents are the best example to the kids and if we want our children to be generous and kind, we must show how generosity and kindness is practiced in front of the kids so that they can take heed.

Alexa joining my mum and me for Tafseer of Surah Al-Mulk in Shah Alam. As you can see, she always has crayons and a drawing book with her to keep her occupied during the program. As with other toddlers, she does get bored after a while (she does not do this all day). If she needs to run/ walk/ explore, I let her be and just make sure she's within eyesight.

3. Have the Habit of Asking
Kids, being kids, do not know how to ask for things and usually they will snatch the items that they want from the shelves/ other kids etc. I learnt this from a colleague of mine in UiTM when many years ago, she and her family went for visiting to our home for Eid. We had these KFC Hello Kitty figurines in our house and her kids liked them. Her kids were around 7 to 10 years old at the time. When their father saw them playing with the figurines, he asked the kids, did you ask permission? And wonderfully, the kids did ask permission before playing and they even asked if they could keep the figurines and bring them home. What I like about this is that the kids are open and honest, they liked something and they wanted to play with it. They wanted it enough to take them home. And I did give some of them to them, but not all. No tantrums, with proper thank you's and I loved the whole experience. My colleague was slightly embarrassed but to me, hey, there's no need to be embarrassed. Your kids are amazing!
So what we've done is to try and remind Alexa to properly ask for what she needs/ wants and say thank you after. It's still a work-in-progress but Alhamdulillah, she sometimes do it (and sometimes she doesn't). What matters is that we keep on teaching and reminding her to ask, and say thank you (and we show her how it's done as well).

Running to go to kindergarten. Alhamdulillah she is excited about school.

Kids are amazing, they learn the darnest things (so be careful of what you say and do in front of them) and everything is a work-in-progress. As a parent, it does get frustrating sometimes and it gets overwhelming as well. Don't give up and take baby steps together. As much as we are teaching them the necessities of life, they are also teaching us how to be a better person, inshaa Allah. Celebrate small successes and teach them the importance of trying.

Me, a work-in-progress.


xoxo Mrs Fashionista

Fashionista Mommy Adventures: Parenting Matters Part II

So here we are at Day 2 of the course and here's another gem that I'd like to share, something that Islam has always emphasised on us, i.e. lineage. According to a hadith, the Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. said that a woman should be married based on four (4) things, which among them is her lineage. The speaker shared many stories on the lineage of some very notable scholars and leaders of our time. Let me retell those story.

Story # 1: Caliph Umar ibn 'Abd al-'Aziz 

Narrated `Abdullah ibn Zayd ibn Aslam, from his father, from his grandfather, who said: When I was accompanying `Umar ibn al-Khattab (radi Allahu ‘anhu) on his patrol of Madinah at night, he felt tired, so he leant against a wall. It was the middle of the night, and (we heard) a woman say to her daughter, “O my daughter, get up and mix that milk with some water.” The girl said, “O Mother, did you not hear the decree of Amir al-Mu’minin today?” The mother said, “What was that?” The girl said, “He ordered someone to announce in a loud voice that milk should not be mixed with water.” The mother said, “Get up and mix the milk with water; you are in a place where `Umar cannot see you.” The girl told her mother, “I cannot obey Him (Allah) in public and disobey Him in private.” `Umar (radi Allahu ‘anhu) heard this, and told me: “O Aslam, go to that place and see who that girl is, and to whom she was speaking, and whether she has a husband.” So I went to that place, and I saw that she was unmarried, the other woman was her mother, and neither of them had a husband. I came to `Umar (radi Allahu ‘anhu) and told him what I had found out. He called his sons together, and said to them: “Do any of you need a wife, so I can arrange the marriage for you? If I had the desire to get married, I would have been the first one to marry this young woman.” `Abdullah said: “I have a wife.” `Abd al-Rahman said: “I have a wife.” `Asim said: “I do not have a wife, so let me marry her.” So `Umar arranged for her to be married to `Asim. She gave him a daughter, who grew up to be the mother of `Umar ibn `Abd al-`Aziz (rahimahullah) who was called 'Umar al Thani (the second 'Umar).

Story # 2: Imam Abu Hanifa

It is narrated that in the first century of the Hijra Calendar  there lived a pious man who constantly looked for knowledge and used to give all his time to this cause but he was poor. One day he left home due to his extreme hunger since he had found nothing to eat at home and so he ended up heading towards one of the gardens on the roadside. This garden was full of apple trees and one of which had a few of its branches hanging outside the fence on the roadside. His inner self started whispering to him to eat an apple to remove his hunger and that no one would see him. After all the apple garden wouldn't be affected by the absence of only one apple. He plucked an apple and sat down to eat it until his hunger disappeared. But when he went back home, his consciousness (al nafs) started aching him and he started to ask himself how he could do such a thing (this is always the case of a mukmin, a believer i.e he always judges and punishes his soul for the wrongdoings he does). Sitting down, he started asking himself how he could eat an apple which is of another Muslim's wealth and possession and yet he never asked his permission before plucking it. Neither had he asked the owner for his forgiveness. Getting up the next morning, he headed outdoor in search of this garden's owner until he found him. This young man then told him (the owner), "Uncle, yesterday extreme hunger got great hold of me and I ate an apple from your garden without you knowing and today I have come to ask for your permission for having taken it." 
The owner replied, "By Allah I will not forgive you.. In fact I am angry from you until the Day of Judgement where I will complain to Allah about you." 

The young lad then started crying and pleading to him to forgive him and that he was ready to do anything for him on condition that he forgives him and makes him clean of sins again through this forgiveness. He continued pleading and the owner refuses and grows more and more stubborn insisting on his point. Leaving the garden, the young lad followed at his heels pleading that he change his mind until finally this owner arrived at his own home, entered and closed the door. The young lad remained waiting by the door in anticipation of seeing him once again when Asr prayer would come when he had to leave for prayers. When at last,the owner came out, he found the lad still standing outside the door with tears streaming down his beard making his face glow with more light(noor) than the light of Iman (faith) and knowledge which had already previously prevailed on his face. 

The lad, "Uncle, I am ready to work as a garden worker in this garden of yours without a salary the whole of my life or any other thing you wish me to carry out for you on condition that you forgive me." 

At this moment, the garden owner stopped to think for a while and then said, "Son, I am ready to forgive you now but on one condition...." 

The lad got so happy and his face once again got filled with joy and he replied, "Give me any condition you wish, uncle." 

The owner, "My only condition is that you marry my daughter!!!" 

The lad was shocked from this condition,got stunned and couldn't understand this condition. 

The owner continued, "But son... you must know that my daughter is blind, deaf and cannot talk. She doesn't walk either and is always sitted. For a long time now, I have been searching for a husband for her whom I can trust to take care of her and accept her as she is with all her features which I mentioned to you. I will forgive you only if you accept to marry her." 

The lad was once again shocked with this second disaster. He then started thinking how he would be able to live with such a burden especially that he was still young and on his first steps in his career life. How could she take care of him and look after his house when she had such defects? He then started telling himself, "Have patience regarding her and at least get saved from the Hereafter's punishment which this apple would cause you." 

He then looked towards the owner and said, "Uncle, I have accepted your daughter and I ask Allah to reward me well for my intention and that He rewards me with something better than what He inflicted me with." 

The owner replies, "Well then son....your date is next Thursday at my place for the Walimah (celebration) of your marriage and I will be responsible (take care) of her Mahr (dowry)." 

When Thursday came, this young lad came walking with heavy steps, full of sorrow, with a broken heart unlike any other groom on his wedding day. When he knocked on the door, her dad opened the door and let him in. After they had sat and talked a bit, the bride's dad told the lad, "Please feel free to enter the room where your bride is sitted..and may Allah place His baraka (blessings) on you both and around you both. May He bring onto both of you all goodness and mercy .." 

He then took him by his hand and led him to the room where his daughter sat waiting. When he opened the door and looked inside, the lad found seated a girl whose face was whiter than the moon and whose hair hang loosely on her shoulders like silk. She then got up and walked towards him with her shoulders stretched outwards and told him, "Assalamu Alaikum my husband." 

Standing in his place, the lad stood staring at her as if he was in front of a hooreya (i.e one of the beautiful ladies of Paradise who have never lived on Earth before) from the hooreyats of Jannah who had instead come to earth. He couldn't believe his eyes and just didn't know what had happened or why her dad had said such bad things about her. She at once understood what was going through his mind and at once went nearer to him, held his hand and kissed it saying, "I am blind from looking towards forbidden (haram) things and I am deaf from listening to forbidden talk and I am unable to talk about forbidden things. My feet too do not walk towards haram things.... I am the only child of my dad and for a couple of years now, my dad has been searching for a good pious husband for me. So when you came to him asking his permission for an apple and weeping for its sake, he told me: 'Whoever fears from eating an apple for which he hasn't asked permission for acquiring it, then he will sure look after my daughter and fear Allah in treating her badly'......so congratulations to me for having you as a husband and congratulations to my dad for having you as his son-in-law." 

(They would later have a son named Nu'man aka Imam Abu Hanifa (ra))

Story # 3: Abdullah ibn Zubayr and Umar al-Khattab

A son of the Hawwariyy al-Rasul, Zubayr ibn al-`Awwam, and Abu Bakr's daughter, Asma’. He was the first child to be born of the Muhajirun at Madinah in 1 H. The Prophet (saws) placed a chewed date in the infant’s mouth when he was presented to him after birth, and named him `Abdullah. Once children playing in the street saw `Umar ibn al-Khattab coming towards them, they fled in fear – except Ibn Zubayr. `Umar asked him why he hadn’t fled. He replied, “Neither have I committed a wrong, nor is the street too narrow. So why should I run away?” `Umar was pleased with the courageous reply. 

So, what does this tell us? It tells us that our children are a reflection of who we are. They become our mirror. So if you want children who are good, pious, God-fearing, then make sure you are one, then your children will follow suit. Going back to lineage, wouldn't you want your descendants to be a leader like Umar ibn 'Abd al-'Aziz, a scholar like Imam Abu Hanifa or courageous like Abdullah ibn Zubayr? 

Why is our children so important to us? This is because, based on the hadith of the Prophet p.b.u.h., when a man dies, his good deeds come to an end, except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge and righteous offspring who will pray for him. Thus it is definitely in our favour to raise righteous children.  

Another analogy that the speaker gave was, imagine if the Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. were to visit you in your home, would you change your tv channel? Would you change the clothes that you are wearing? Would you speak in a different manner? Thus if you want to be in Jannah with the Prophet, make sure you lead a lifestyle that befits a neighbour of the Prophet p.b.u.h.

xoxo Mrs Fashionista

Fashionista Mommy Adventures: Parenting Matters

So here I am, always ending up to find myself attending a course here and there in KL. And I think that's only because KL has all these fantastic courses with an equally impressive line up of speakers that I feel that I wouldn't be doing justice to myself if I were not to be in attendance. Today, and tomorrow as well, I am attending Al-Kauthar's Parenting Matters, The Art of Raising Righteous Children Seminar. 

Okay, the seminar has not ended, but I am indeed very, very excited to write on one parenting method which the speaker, Sheikh Alaa Elsayed has shared with us this afternoon (and this explains the sudden motivation to blog, because if I don't, I might forget it). Among the various methods that we can use to nurture a child's development, i.e. storytelling, direct and open communication, encouragement, praise etc etc, is one term which is called "word association". 

Children normally look up to their parents and people who are close to them such as the grandparents, maid, school teacher, classmates, cousins etc, therefore whatever we do and say in front of them would have an effect to how they perceive the world. For example, if we were awed by a stunt which we had watched in the tv or movie, and then praised the actor for doing such a good job/ stunt, children would associate doing similar activities as something praiseworthy and then try to imitate such actions. That is why nowadays we see there are numerous videos on YouTube of children as young as 2 years old being able to dance like Beyonce, do karate like Bruce Lee and retell the Red Riding Hood tale from memory. It is simply due to practice (of course) and the praise of their parents/ guardians on how great they were doing those stuff. 

Children live by praise and they absolutely love to be praised (as would any other normal human beings), it's just that as adults we tend to take a more humble approach when someone comes up and gives us praise. Therefore to encourage (or discourage) them, we should be aware of the words that we use, as children would then associate those words and give them meaning. For example, if you would like your child to have a good role model (which you want them to look up to) then you should relate your praise to that role model. Let's say you want them to take on the Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. as an example, then associate what they are doing with what the Prophet does. If they share their toys/ food with another child, then you can say, Mashaa Allah, you are following in the footsteps of the Prophet for he also love to share his food with his companions. Then you could perhaps end the praise with a story of the Prophet. Similarly, if you want to stop them from doing an act like shouting and screaming, then if you catch them shouting and screaming (and even fighting) say astaghfirullah, and explain why we don't scream or shout to each other. The child would then associate the words Mashaa Allah with a good act and astaghfirullah with a bad act. 

Similarly, for parents who would like to encourage their child to become doctors, engineers, or even religious scholars, you could start by adding the title "Dr/ Engineer/ Sheikh etc" before their name. However, other parents might find this to be suffocating to the child or even cause excessive pressure towards the child so proceed with caution. In my opinion, it would be a good thing, i.e. positive reinforcement is always a good thing, but only if I feel that my child is comfortable with the title. If he or she looks uncomfortable, then maybe we can discuss about the matter and drop the title. Knowing kids, the girls would definitely go to various phases such as Princess, then Doctor, then Engineer, whatever. Which is not a problem. But make sure you are guiding your child towards becoming a more confident individual who knows that he or she is capable to achieving their goal and knows how to go about it (with the help of supportive parents, of course). 

In regards to the parenting course, I find it to be extremely beneficial. Even just by attending half a day (I had class this morning) I have learnt a lot and I look forward to learning more tomorrow. I believe that as a parent, we all try our best for our children and often times there may be occasions that we feel guilty due to certain actions that we make (well, I know I do). There even may be people who (gleefully) point out what they deem to be "mistakes" that we are making. Believe me when I say, if you are doing you're best, Allah knows and inshaa Allah things will turn out to be the best. But when things get hard, make dua'a because a mother's dua'a for the child is the best dua'a. Imam al-Sudais credits his mom to be the cause of him becoming the Imam of the Haram and even Imam al-Bukhari (who was blind as a child) was able given back sight because of his mother's tenacity in making dua'a. Especially when you are angry at your child (due to whatever mischief that they have managed to land themselves in) that is the best times to make dua'a, and this is as evidenced by Imam al-Sudais. He mentioned that whenever he made mischief and made his mom angry, his mom would say,  May Allah make you the Imam of the Haram. Mashaa Allah, her words came true. 

Am definitely going to practice word association with Alexa. May Allah make her a hafiza (memoriser of the Quran), Ameen!

To becoming better parents. 

xoxo Mrs Fashionista